My Little Run Away

by Shadowcat Rules!

Chapter One...Scott

One in two marriages end in divorce.

I look at that statistic a lot lately. Why? I'm still trying to fathom that since it's not very likely you and I will ever go anywhere. I mean, how can I put this back together again when I can't even get the pieces of my soul to work in one consistant whole again? Since I lost Nathan...I haven't been the same man I was before. I have guilt eating a hole through my soul for what I've done and for those that I've failed. How can I love you, Jean, when in your eyes I've failed you as well? I sit on the steps of the Blackbird and I contemplate this when I should be working. Working has always helped me to cope in the past, but now all I have is a stupid little statistic running rampat through my brain over and over again.

One in two marriages end in divorce.

I've always loved statistics. Like strategy, statistics is just based on facts that can't be reputed later on. You either win or you don't. Statistics either work or they don't. There is no in between there. No grey zones. No emotions...just hard core numbers or thinking. Battle fields, out thinking the enemy who is trying to do the same thing with you...aggregate losses...all of it is just cold. No emotions involved. I like that about it. Because when it comes to emotions with me things fall apart like a crumble cake so fast that it's almost funny.

One in two marriages end in divorce

For as long as I can remember I've loved you. The moment you walked into Xavier's I found you to be the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. And I knew that with Warren and Hank in there, or heck if you went for younger guys one day Bobby, that I didn't stand a chance. I wasn't the handsome one like Warren who also came from money, I wasn't the brainy one like Hank or the jock and I sure as heck wasn't the funny one like Bobby. I was just a screwed up orphan and street kid that had done what a lot of people would consider "wrong" to survive on my own. I made a point, as soon as I saw you, to run away as far and as fast as I could. Because I KNEW that you could make me fall for you without even trying and that would give you power over me. And that scared me to death. Because if you had power over me, you beautiful redhead, you could screw with me and screw with me and I would let you. And I'd never even look at another woman the same way I looked at you or love her the same way. All the more reason to run as far and as fast as I could.

Yet, damn you to Hell Jean, you slipped through somehow. You with those soul deep eyes and that passionate soul like the one I would never have near the surface of my entire being...you managed to get through every damn wall I put up against you. You didn't even have to smash them down. You talked your way through them. You tore through them with a gentleness that when they were gone I didn't miss them and didn't even notice that they were gone. And when you finally reached me and I realized they were down there was nothing I could do. I was already in love with you and so I tried...for you...to learn. I never knew what love WAS until I met you and you melted down the ice I'd encased myself in so I wouldn't be hurt. I didn't know what it was to trust someone until I told you about my nightmares one night after you'd had that horrible date...you remember? And you never told anyone, not even Charles that I know of, about those nightmares...those nightmares of me being all alone and in the middle of nothing, not feeling anything and not caring. And you told me of your nightmares about the dark and how you'd wish there was some light on nights of the dark of the moon because it was too dark. You were too much of a grown up, you said, to beg for a night light, but you wished there was a way to get light into the room somehow without coming across as weak.

The next night you slept in your bed you awoke to the glow in the dark stars that I had stuck on your ceiling. So you'd never have to face the dark of the moon alone again without light to help guide you home. Your nightmares stopped after that. Mine didn't, but they did grow further apart because I felt you near me even when we were apart. When you said thank you for those stars, even though I never admitted it was me who put them there, I felt like I'd been given the world. I wanted to dance and sing and most of all hold you in my arms and never let you go.

Oh for those days again. When we were just two screwed up kids muddling through life as best we could and finding our feelings for one another. Things got so damn complicated Jean...when did they become so complicated? Xavier went off and left us, as he does everytime things get the least bit difficult...people wonder where I get it from...and suddenly you met Logan. The man who holds the other half of your heart. I respect Logan. I'd never admit it to him, but I also hate him. I did from the first moment I met him and seeing the passion and the life in him realized that I was, to put it quite simply in the old street slang I slip into upon occasion, fucked. He was and is everything I will never be. He's got a aura of LIFE to him, while I...things that I love tend to die around me like a curse someone put on me a long while ago or something. Logan came with no attachments while I come with so much baggage you'd never be able to sort through it all. I realized that he could be for you what I could never be and so I thought...maybe I should let you go and let you make your own choice.

You have to understand Jean. Before you all I ever knew was from the television set. True love forever, mom and dad and two point five kids working through things, love overcame all and roll those credits. I didn't know how to cope with the real deal until you taught me how and maybe...just maybe you were too good of a teacher? Because lately I have found myself so confused. I let you be yourself Jean. I let you flirt with Warren and Logan and let you make your choices. And was always and truly amazed when you came back to Slim screwed-up-man-who-was-flubbing-his-way-through-life Summers. The only constant in my life sometimes was that you loved me Jean. And since you came back from the dead...I've just...it's been hard because I'm wondering if you loved ME or some ideal you held of me.

One in two marriages end in divorce

I proved that statistic right with Maddie. When you died I figured I had died with you. Lee helped to heal some of that wound, but I realized a normal life would never work for me...hell I didn't even know what that word meant "normal"...and so we went our separate ways still good friends. And then I met Maddie and fell like a ton of bricks. She reminded me of you in the beginning and it was scary because I thought she might BE you and then I later realized she wasn't. But, I loved Maddie for Maddie. And then there was Nathan and I realized in one whamming 2x4 that I now had a child to screw up and that scared the ever lasting hell out of me. I left the X-men and tried the whole "Father Knows Best" routine, but it didn't work. The real world is a hell of a lot different from the one you learn about from the TV and Charles's books you know that? I went to head with real life and real marriage...and it kicked my ass. I was absolutely and positively a failure at doing the normal life routine. I felt like I was running out on all of my friends and the cause and the dream the entire time I was working in my grandfather's office. I had to do SOMETHING for society or for the better good because all I ever knew was how to fight and be a soldier. By abandoning the X-men I was helping the enemy. I even fooled with the idea of being a cop or a fireman, but Maddie freaked when I talked about that because I could still get myself killed. I realize now how many mistakes we both made in that marriage and that when I left for New York it was dead. But, I would have worked it out with her if I could have. I ran away but I came back to her. And when it was all said and done and Inferno was over...I came back. To you. And to the dream.

Maybe it was being inside yours and Nathan's mind so deep and feeling him slip away from me when I realized how far you were away from me as well. You turned to Logan in Genoshia Jean...I got a glimpse of that but I don't know how deep that connection went since he was on death's door. But I also realize how much you do love him underneath all the love you have for me. Lately it seems you have been trying to change me. Ever since Nathan died you have expected me to act like Cyclops and not Scott Summers because you don't want to have to deal with the emotional mess I've become. You instead want to worry about Charles losing HIS son and losing the use of his legs again. I might be able to walk, but sometimes I wonder if I have a leg to stand on anymore. I need SOMEONE to talk to me and let me talk to them about Nathan, but you pretend that it didn't happen. Maybe the son of me and your clone don't count to you or something. Okay, I reflect, that's cold, but true really. You didn't care about Rachel and even treated her like an unwanted insect even though she was an orphan like me, so what was to make Nathan any different? Although, I know you're loving by nature. I just wonder what makes children of my genes so repulsive to you that you pretend I don't have any. Rachel is still my genetic daughter and Nathan is, or was, my son so why Jean? Why?

You are such a loving creature and yet...yet sometimes that love extends to so many but the one man that you said you'd love forever more than once. How can you love me when you love Logan? You wanted only a part of me and you want to change the other parts of me and fix what can't be fixed within me. I'm screwed up Jean...when will you realize and accept that about me? And just love me for, or despite that? And then lately, the last couple of months anyway, I've found a woman who does want all of me. Every little screwed up piece and corner. And yet...how is it that I can't let you go and still love you so much? Do I even know what love is if I'm so attracted to her? Confusion is nothing new with you Jean, but lately it's gotten a lot more complicated.

She's beautiful you know. Inside and out. She's like you and yet nothing like you. She's more like me in some ways and maybe that is why I've found that I can open up to her lately where I can't with you. She's repressed, just like me, and has had her soul ripped apart and her life ripped apart by so many different events. Just like me. Her brother has even tried to kill her, just like me. What first attracted me to Betsy? Maybe it was the fact that she drew me out of my shell instead of getting mad at me for being in it like lately you do. Or maybe it was because we were on the same team and she just got to know me, not Cyclops, ME. I don't know Jean...I just don't know. I pick up one of the Shiar instruments and start to work on the engine I'm determined I'm going to get done by the time dawn rises over the horizon. I don't sleep anymore and I'm going on about three days without sleep, but the last time I was in a room with you and you were sleeping you called out a name. It wasn't mine.

One in two marriages end in divorce

With that one line going through my head, I wonder how much I've been giving away of my insecurities about us when I sleep. So, I don't sleep anymore. That and the nightmares about Nathan that I so desperately want to talk about...no I don't sleep anymore.

When the oil squirts out at me I am taken by complete surprise due to where my thoughts have been and letting out a sound of surprise I know that I'm going to hit hard. I'm not disappointed as the breath leaves my body with a rush. But, I don't lie there long, my body having been in too many battles to be down for long, and so I'm able to rebound pretty quickly. She takes me by surprise though and I feel the breath leave my body for a different reason as I look up to see Betsy in a dress I've never seen her in before.

"Scott...are you hurt?" The worry in her voice is a surprise to me in a way since she's seen me get taken down by more mutants than I can count. But it would be just our luck as X-men to get taken down by something stupid like a fall from a four foot height or so and so I assure her I'm okay. She leans in closer and I smell her unique fragrance of European perfume mixed with just that natural scent of hers and feel my heart beat quicker. I never expect her to lick the oil from my skin or to look at me with that type of attraction. I almost laugh at my own naivete...I never knew that she was attracted physically to me. I just knew that we enjoyed each other's company and that I was falling for her a little at a time because of our common interests. I can't help it as she says something that really doesn't mean anything to me as I try to express my torment, my confusion, my NEED for contact with another human being who would understand in a kiss. The arousal is immediate and for the first time in forever I feel alive again. But then, floating into my mind is you and our life together...all the laughter and the tears and how you showed me what life WAS and what your mind is like. All beautiful fire and passion and LIFE and love for me and I just...can't. I've always pointed true North Jubilee would say and this time is no different. Betsy, you're so beautiful, but I'm sorry...you're not Jean.

I don't know if she picks up the thoughts or not, but she doesn't seem to mind if she did. She just looks at me softly, puts her hand along my face and locks eyes with mine. I wouldn't have needed the telepathic message, but I got it anyway, "Figure out what you want Scott without blinders alright? I will be here one way or another, as possible lover or as a friend, when you figure it all out. I care too deeply for you to watch you go through this with Jean. I will give you something with no attachments if you want and maybe we can heal each other a bit?" With that slight thought full of flying butterflies of purple steel and lace I just can't handle it anymore. I'm torn between two women. One owns my soul and doesn't seem to really want it or anything to do with me. The other wants everything I have to offer, but I can't give it all to her because it's not all mine to give. For the first time ever I think I know how Logan feels everytime he looked between Mariko and Jean and I don't handle it as well. Instead I do what I've always done. I bolt to my feet and run for the far horizion. I'm not really caring where I'm going as I bolt by Jean, but I feel her confusion and pain as she smells Betsy on me and for the first time in my life I actually take malicious satisfaction out of another person's pain and confusion becuase it's only fair Jean...you've done it to me so many times.

One in two marriages end in divorce

I'm not going to make the same mistake twice Jean. I need to be sure of us before I continue this. And that means I need to get away from here...I need to run away. I'm sorry.

I pack in record time, leaving your picture on the dresser when normally I carry one with me wherever I go when I'm away from you. Maybe I've outgrown that little bit of romanticism. I don't know anymore. And I call for a taxi and head for the door. I'm going to get away from this place and go where I will be able to think without lots of deep emotion getting in my way to figuring out where to go from here. It's my only option if I'm going to survive.

I meet up with you in the front hallway as I'm talking to Ororo who seems sadly resigned to the fact I'm leaving but asking me to stay because it's the only way that things will work out for the better. What the Hell does she know anyway? I've run farther and faster than anyone in life and you know what? I'm still realitively sane and I don't run half as much as Charles does. My habits could be much worse thanks and running away has saved my life and my sanity more than once. This time will hopefully be no different because I'm coming apart at the seams. I need time. And I need space. I'm claiming both. Scott Summers goes on a vacation, I reflect, it just doesn't sound right.

I look up when I hear your words and I see the pain and the anger on your face and reverting through my head and even as you speak anger to me I feel a foolish moment of...hope? Speak to me Jean, beg me to stay, ask me to stay. Start with "I love you" and end with "please don't go". Just show me for the first time in months that you love me and that you care about me PLEASE! I love you too much to not listen. Throw me a lifeline Jean...I'm drowning! The thoughts are running through my head, the near begging tone to them not lost on me, but I just can't care anymore.

If it was a test you would have failed it love. I begged you with my soul and you stood there resolutely silent. That was a good enough answer in itself I guess. I should be glad that you're not trying to stop me from going. I should feel relieved because it makes my leaving all the easier, but for some odd reason I just feel disappointment as I turn around, nod calmly to Ororo and walk out the door.

Chapter Two...Betsy

I pull on the red dress that I swore to myself I'd never wear unless I was out for one and only one thing and can't help but feel a bit ashamed of myself for sinking to this level. I know that Scott is tormented and is wondering which way is up anymore. I know that he doesn't know of his feelings for me or Jean and he needs time to think. But, I have a bad feeling about who he'd choose if he has time to think and honestly Scott...you deserve better than HER. She has tormented you and put you through so much and yet you come back to her again and again. Why? What does she have that is so wonderful. She might have a body but many women do. She has a caring empathic nature? So do a lot of women who are good honest women and would make you so much happier. They'd at least be less torn on where their hearts stand and be loyal to you in every hour of the day and night down deep inside and not drag your feelings through the mud and then get mad at you when you're the least attracted to someone else or that you get married after she'd been dead for a couple of years.

I do not understand that woman. She doesn't seem to realize what type of man she held in the palm of her hand. She had a noble and strong man who would do anything for her and she just continually pushed him to the back line for Logan. I like Logan, he's a noble sort, but still...he's not Scott. Sorry Jean, but it's true. Scott has so much more than Logan does in a lot of ways. Logan has a love for life and that danger that attracts you so. Scott has that stability and just dependabilty that attracts me like a magnet. This is a man that would stick with you no matter what. And you know what else Jean? He doesn't give up hope on this dream we're fighting for. He IS the dream. He fights for it day in and day out and just works through any personal crisis in the meantime. He sticks here out of love for us, although he'd never admit it. He might not sit there and serenade your beauty, but he'll give you this look through those glasses of his that says that he thinks you're the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet. He might not tell you that he loves you day in and day out, but he'll go out into the pouring rain and drive the car around so that you don't get your new silk skirt wet or so you won't get a chill.

He'll put his personal crisis on hold if you have one that he knows you're having problems with because he loves you. Why you can't seem to give him the same courtesy I have no idea. Are you ever truly honest with him Jean? Do you love him or do you love him for what you want him to be? It's time to test all of that because if you don't want him...it's about time that someone was willing to challenge the playing field and show you that Scott isn't just a safe port for YOU to come back to. That was just ego for years that you had there my dear. Now there are others and ones that can go toe to toe with you in every way that are willing to try for his hand. And after waking up to a few facts about how you're treating him maybe he'll realize what it is that you put him through on such a regular basis and decide to change things. He deserves better than what you've offered him Jean. He stood beside you when the rest of the X-men wondered if you should be saved or not, and I don't give a bloody damn if you say it doesn't count because it was Phoenix. It WAS you and he stood by you and held your hand and NEVER gave up on you even when you gave up on yourself. How can you not adore a man for that?

So, he builds walls and is repressed. So am I. I have not shared my personal torment of late with anyone but Scott because I know that he's trustworthy and won't tell anyone. I would talk to Warren, but it seems that everytime we're in the same room together he leaves. I'd make a play for him, but I have no evidence that my interest is returned. With Scott there is no game. His responses all the way around are honest. He tries to hide them behind those towering walls of his, but when you're a telepath it's harder to hide and when the person you're talking to is just a more extreme example of you, you learn how to read those subtle signs and realize what it is that they are thinking. I know what he's been thinking of lately Jean and it's not you. I smile in womanly pleasure at my reflection as I straighten the bodice of the dress. Really, the dress isn't me. I'm normally classier in dress than this and Brian would just grab a sheet and throw it over me in horror, but extreme cases call for extreme measures.

You might not want him Jean, but I'm about to show him, if I can, that I want him. I want all of him. Every screwed up bit and piece that is in that head of his, what is behind all of those walls he hides behind. He's a puzzle even to telepaths. He's got so many depths and so many layers a woman could spend her entire life going through them all and never finding bottom. Warren would be much the same, but I think he's still in love with Candy. Scott might still be in love with you Jean, but the way you have been acting...for how long will he continue to hold onto a woman who is trying her hardest to hold onto him while emotionally running away? I'm hoping not for long. I'm not going to ask him to choose between us Jean. I'm just going to give him choices and not blame him for anything. Two things that you nor anyone in his life has ever given him before. And if all goes well with this endeavor, I laugh a little at this thought, he'll either go running back to you and find himself more deeply in love with you or he'll turn to me and realize what I can give him. To hell with lusting after desired outcomes...how about I lust after a 6 some foot gorgeous leader of mine?

I never expect to run into Jubilee and the look on her face speaks volumes as well as her thoughts. I know I'm dressed slutty would pretty much cover it, but I don't care what she or anyone else thinks. I'm on the hunt. And that is something that I enjoy a lot more than I used to.

There is a small voice in the back of my head shouting that something is wrong, but I ignore it as I make my way toward the hanger where I now know you to be. Your thoughts are tormented but so beautiful. I always compare them in my head to a multi-faceted crystal you know that Scott? Or a fire opal. There are so many different angles to look at them and yet deep down if you look hard you can feel the core of fire in you. I want to see that fire released and maybe then you can laugh again before SHE started screwing with your emotions and your heart so hard. I walk into the hanger, being careful of the steps in my high heels and prepare the moment in my mind about how I'm going to go about approaching you. It's all in the planning Betsy, I tell myself silently as I quench down my nervousness and I walk toward you.

When I see you fall all plans go flying out the window and I vault the last five stairs and land with a lithe grace that would make a ballerina jealous, not even caring that if there had been others in the room I would be flashing everything I had to offer at them. I'm amazed that I can land in high heels without killing myself because before I went through Seige Perilous I probably wouldn't have been able to pull off that stunt, but ignore that thought as I rush toward where you're lying, cursing the tight dress for the first time that night. You're not moving and your thoughts aren't THERE, which means that the shock of the fall hit you and you have the wind knocked out of you or worse. All first aid courses are going through my head as I kneel beside you quickly.

It only takes four times of me calling to you before you look up and finally notice me and recognition starts to flow back into your face. You know for a man who has to wear glasses all the time you have a very expressive face. If you didn't have a visor you'd be a lot less tough looking sometimes I think...the eyes would give you away. I think with you they would be a mirror to your soul. I feel Nathan at the top of your mind as well as me and Jean and I wish, at least with Nathan, that I could do something for you. I've never lost a child before, but I know the pain of losing something that is close to you. When we lost Jamie that hurt a lot. When I lost Doug it hurt more. There was also a man in boarding school that I almost married. Did I ever tell you about him Scott? He slept with me and then left like it was nothing after the fact. I never knew why. Maybe he could sleep with someone and it would mean nothing. A lot of men are like that. But with you I know it would be different as is the case with most things with you.

I'm so relieved to see you okay that when the impulse comes over me I don't fight it. I see the oil on your face and leaning forward I lick it off of you. It tastes like crap, but your taste underneath it tastes much better and is much more worth my effort. I pull back and looking into your eyes spout out what I've been thinking forever...that you should follow your heart and maybe act on impulse once in a while. And to my surprise you take me up on it. Your hands are in my hair and your mouth on mine before I can think of a way to get you to do it. I love a man who is proactive. You taste wondeful, a combination of spice and coffee and just male that I could grow addicted to, but when you start to pull back I know why you were kissing me and while you enjoyed it, men can't hide that, I know that you are too tormented to take me up on my offer no matter how sexy I look in this dress. And so I share a bit of my heart with you hoping you don't throw it back at me, knowing what you are about to do, but still putting all of my thoughts and feelings and shows of what I felt Jean had done to you into a telepathic message to you only. If nothing else maybe I can make an impact and help to set you free. You're definitely too good for her Scott. I know what you are about to do before you get up in a flash of motion and I know that I'm going to let you go. And I'm not disappointed.

You bolt. Can't really blame you. I would probably have done the same thing. Having someone so much like me is sort of scary sometimes. But we don't go unnoticed. Heh...I had been so distracted I never even felt you up there Jean. But...I'm glad you were there. Maybe, just maybe, you'll realize how much that man loves you and how much you've screwed with him and come to your red headed senses. If not...well I win either way don't I? Your perspective is changing about "good ol' dependable" Scott and realizing that maybe the man is human and maybe he wants all of a woman and to be happy. What a novel idea. I smirk at you and ask what's up with lunch because I know that was on your mind when you came in, although now it's pain and confusion about what is happening to Scott, and not even looking at me you run the other way in tears. About time you shed a few Jeanie...about damn time.

I change out of my dress and since my plans for this evening were...well...side tracked I decide to go and work out. It is the one place I am at peace now a days. Scott I know is the same way with doing his strategies or up in a plane flying, but I do it here. Where I can kill holograms without worrying about them bleeding on me and I don't have to worry about showing others my lack of conscience when they die and how much I enjoy showing that I'm better and more powerful than they are. I can't say much about this new body...the improvements gave me what I always wanted. I am like a bird of prey now instead of a lowly highly armored cannary. I punch my fist through another hologram's abdomen and feel as the particles give me a good impression of what it would be like in real life. And it feels good. To kill...to show that I am better. It feels wonderful.

That damn feeling that something is wrong just won't leave me alone and I look up when the holograms are suddenly turned off. I look up to see Jean again and sigh knowing what is coming. She spouts off some jibberish about what I'm doing to Scott and I just grab my towel, adapting admirably to the change in workout. She's trying to get a fix on my telepathic frequency and I just flit my mind around like a bird, dodging her mentally like I would another opponent physically. And I tell you what I'm thinking and about how I want Scott and how I'd like to see him laugh again, wondering if you even care that someone wants to see and feel those things with him. The accusations from you continue to fly and I get irritated. And then you grab my arm and I get pissed. You think that I'm telepathically MANIPULATING Scott Jean? You are so bloody clueless you little PRATT! My telepathic powers flair. I'm going to enjoy this I know, but it's also the only way I can think of to get you to understand.

I shove that telepathic knife deep into your brain and feel as your synapsis just fry out one by one temporarily. And I show you everything Jean. Everything. I show you the time me and Scott have spent together and how your fears of us having an affair were so stupid. I show you what I feel and what I felt that he could feel. I show you what you're letting go and what some other women, namely me, sees when I look at him. What you'd be letting go if you are dumb. And I show it all to you Jean. Every last little bit and I shove it into you with all the anger that I feel and all of the hurt that I know Scott has felt and feel it rip through all of your telepathic defenses. And I don't care. You are going to learn one way or the other not to fuck with that man if I have to beat it into you the hard way. He deserves better dammit and you should either fight for him like a woman or back the hell out of the way for those of us who actually do care what happens to him and if he laughs or he cries. Maybe there is someone out there that would be willing to talk to him Jean and maybe just maybe that person isn't you.

You hit the floor and looking down at you I wonder what the repercussions of this will be. I would normally not lose my temper like that and for the first time I honestly wonder if there is something wrong with me or something. Or if it's just you and how you behave. And...I just don't care anymore. Wake up Jean...no one can do that for you.

Chapter Three...Jean

How much of my soul is for me to give?

That is a really hard question for me to answer now a days. I press my fingers to the frigid window, feeling the press of skin to glass that is as cold as your heart and mind are to me at this moment. Oh Scott, you've been blocking me out lately and I'm now wondering how much a fault that is of yours and how much it is Betsy's. It's just too convienent that you start working on her team and then suddenly you start daydreaming about her and having little subconscious runs of thought about her. It shouts to me of telepathic tampering, although I can't get you to sleep long enough to do a cusory scan to see if it's you or her that is doing this to you. If it's you though Scott...what am I going to do?

I love you. That's a simple and plain truth. But, why dammit do those three words have to have such complicated meaning attached to them? When we were younger things were so much easier for us. There was you and there was me and there was no one else to even think about...to wonder about...and then things started to change. Phoenix happened, Maddie happened, losing Nathan happened. Oh to hell with it I can't lie to myself, I mutter under my breath as I watch my breath fog on the window, Logan happened. He was the first big obstacle between us wasn't he? Warren was just a person that I understood due to our backgrounds and interests and while Warren chased me I still only dreamed of what you might look like behind that visor, or what you were thinking at that moment in your complex refracted mind. Plots inside plots and thoughts inside thoughts...theories and books and all things that could keep someone even like me fascinated for a lifetime...your thoughts were you and you were so beautiful. Warren wasn't as complex. Beautiful but not as fascinating to me as you. You were everything complicated and insolvable. He wasn't. And so you were the one who held everything there was in me in this, my hand clenches at the thought as my fingers join together, choke-hold. A willing one at that. You were in my dreams you were in my thoughts you were the love of my life.

And then in comparison to your surface cold that you exude when life gets horribly difficult so that you can cope, Logan with his heat and fire came along. Where you hid your feelings for me and ran from them because of what I might be able to do to your soul and heart should I be let in too closely, Logan welcomed me in to a certain level and made no mistake of his desire for me. And then the chemistry mixed in and we were a time bomb waiting to explode. And you Scott, poor scarred up you, had no idea how to cope other than to fight for me the only way you knew how and that was to fight back at Logan with logic and strategy. And you fought back with the greatest weapon of all with me. Trust. You trusted me and you loved me like an open hand holding sand so that I could still fly, and so I couldn't do anything about my feelings for Logan because I loved you just as much as before. Where Logan and I burned on the outside, probably for all to see and fighting ourselves, you put forth that cold exterior while on the inside loved me with a soul deep passion that I could never, in a thousand years, deny. You were and are such a beautiful person Scott. The nobility of your character, the responsibilty...everything...just piles up like blocks in a computer game and makes you all the stronger and more complex for it. I know that I am the weakness in those strong foundations and I could crumble you down more than a couple pegs if I used things against you or if I ever turned to Logan and made reality the dreams we both have had. But you also hold power over me Scott. You might not realize it, but I also trust you and love you and that makes me weakened to what you could do if you ever turn and make real the fantasies you have about HER.

I can't blame you. You have been through so much and with time at a maximum lately I haven't been able to pay attention to you the way you probably needed to be paid attention to. But dammit Scott if you needed me why didn't you track me down and talk it over with me? What IS it in your personality that still doesn't allow you to turn to ANYONE in times of emotional need and ask to talk about something? I could have listened or talked it out with you but you were always in a hurry or in the middle of something else. I don't recall once where you turned to me and asked me to talk about something. Instead I come in and you're fantasizing about Betsy's bodily dimensions or thinking to yourself about her opinion on a certain conversation. It makes me all the more willing to turn to Logan when I NEED to talk because I feel like my opinions are unwanted by you. Why? Why are we continuing in this horrible cycle over and over and over again?

I just got back from that scene, if you want to call it that, down in the hanger. I know what you and Betsy did. Betsy was so SMUG that she had managed to kiss you that I wanted to kill her. For the first time in a long time I was on the verge of killing rage. But, knowing that you enjoyed it ticked me off all the more...and it hurt. Am I not attractive enough for you anymore Scott? Have I gotten old to you? The bitter words going through my heart right now, I realize deep down are far from fair to you. I mean I have had make out sessions with Logan for God's sake. I've kissed Warren. I've screwed with your heart so much that if you decided to stray somewhat with one kiss what in the hell was wrong with me that I would take it so personally? Probably because, to me, a kiss is just a kiss. I might taste Logan's lips on mine, I might be able to tell you what the texture of Warren's hands are like as they frame my face, but to you Scott...a kiss is so much more with you. When you kiss you taste that other person's soul if that is possible. You kiss when you mean it, not just because it feels good. Your heart is involved when you kiss someone.

I thought with Betsy it was just physical attraction and I was jealous of that since she's got a lot to offer in that area, but now...now I realize it's more. And I'm starting to realize exactly how far we've grown apart that I didn't realize that you felt that way for Betsy. For once the pain of knowledge is shining on me and I'm realizing what it must be like for you to look at me and Logan together knowing that he might very well hold the other half of my soul, and I'm scared Scott. Soul deep scared. I always assumed, somehow, that you would always point straight as an arrow toward me. I mean you were always so sure of the love you had for me Scott...it's like this flavor of ice and burn in my mind and soul whenever I needed the reassurance. Even when my telepathy was gone I knew just by the look on your face, the way your face would relax a bit and that look of almost pleasure and pain would come over you, that you loved me almost too much. It was a great source of comfort for me and I guess I got cocky figuring that love was going to last forever. I realize now how much of a fool I was to think that way. Love, like anything you plant and nourish has to have nourishment another or it will die. You nourished me Scott and allowed me to grow into a huge plant with many reaching branches while you were slowly shriveling away from neglect. I realize that now and I don't know how to begin to rectify that. And damn you Scott Summers you're running away again. How am I supposed to figure out how to fix this, if it's fixable if you just go away??? This is one aspect of you I absolutely despise sometimes. You always run away when your emotions are involved too deeply and there are better ways to go about things.

I walk toward the front door of the mansion, knowing what I'm going to find before I get there, but praying that I'll find otherwise. I'm, unfortunately, not wrong. You're standing there walking toward the front door, Ororo trying to stall you probably to try and get some answers from somewhere on what the heck is going on. You know Scott, she talked to me earlier and told me that if I wasn't careful I was going to lose you. I just laughed and said that you couldn't lose something that didn't want to be lost. I'm really starting to realize how much ego was involved and how much jealousy I had buried in me. Turns out I was jealous with good reason more's the miracle. I look down at you as I spout off about how you're better at building walls than anyone I know and you say some hurtful, but true things back as you look at me for a moment. Time suspends and the moment is so tangible I could reach out and grab it in my hands. What do you want me to say Scott? What do you want from me? I know you want something...I can feel it deep down in the core of my being and humming along our psychic bond like it's a living prescence in itself. Do you want me to beg or to spout off how much I hate you? Do you want me to pull you closer or push you away?

One of the problems being linked to you Scott Summers is that life is so damn difficult on its own and then trying to figure out what you are thinking is like trying to figure out where interlacing started on some of those midievil celtic tapestries of old. Lots of interweaving, lots of bright colors that will keep you occupied for hours just staring at it in awe. It looks even halfway simple until you try looking deeper into the image and trying to figure out where all the colors and images start and end. Then you feel your eyes going around in a circle and your mind winding in much the same way...finally realizing the complexity of the beauty before you and the near feverish zeal that the artist would have had to put into such a design to make it work to their harmonious specifications. It would also take the patience of a saint and the instincts of a trained expert. And looking down at you love I'm realizing that you're one hell of a an interweaving and I'm trying to figure out what you could want from me in this complex winding pattern of "what if's" and it doesn't work. You look up at me, the moment of suspended time where I could have done much I'm sure, and you simply turn around and walk away.

Outside I'm still cold and angry to those around me, probably looking very upset. Inside I wonder if you're even coming back and feel my heart tear into small pieces. And you didn't have to do a thing Scott...all you had to do was leave my little run away.

I go to look for Betsy after I hear the taxi pull away from the curb, heading to the airport and then to your grandparents. I know where you'd head if you ran from here...you'd want to go to your grandparents and confront the guilt that you've harbored since Nate...left. And so I know that you will be alright there with them one way or the other, and so I go to confront a suspicion I've held for some time now. It's unnatural having this type of obsession over a woman and thus I have to really wonder if Betsy has been manipulating you telepathically. We're sworn, as telepaths of this school, not to do that and she sure as HELL isn't going to do it to you. Ever again if I have my way. And make no mistake Scott...I will get my way on this one.

I find her in the danger room and looking down at the scene I feel my forehead furrow a bit in some anxiety that I can't explain. She looks fine working out down there, although taking too many chances, throwing herself into the fight like it is her everything, and at the same time moving with the expertise that allows for her to do what she does best. And that is to fight and kill. But that isn't want really gets the hair on the back of my neck to stand up straight...it's something else...something in the air. It's almost a repressed agression and anger from an outside third source directed at the purple haired ninja below me.

Or...I pause as I look over the controls with my anger restored, maybe it's just my anger becoming a new lifeform. I've got enough in me right now for four or five people to power of small city on. I watch as she does something with her fists that leaves three of the holograms dead, and punching in the keys time it to turn off on my voice command. I then walk out and down toward the front door to the Danger Room, my mind already on the confrontation ahead. By this time I KNOW deep down inside that Betsy has been manipulating you Scott because it's just not LIKE you to act like you have been and not turn to me for comfort. I wouldn't ignore you if you did. And I KNOW she's to blame for this.

I don't even bother with the Danger Room opening sequence. I instead just throw out a small portion of anger in the form of a telekinetic thought and flip the opening switch with my mental hand. A complete waste of power? Maybe. Irresponsible? Maybe. Not thought out? Never. I want Betsy to know I'm coming and I want her to be afraid of me. I want to be able to vent the anger within me at a blameable target and I feel that she'll do just fine...just fine indeed.

The beginning of the confrontation goes smoothly enough. I speak out with all of the anger in me and I make my accusations to you. I'm determined that you're going to admit it, for whatever reason I have no idea. It's not like I can go to Professor Xavier as immersed as he is in his lab and shout about you misusing your powers. If we kicked you out you'd probably go hunt down Scott and seduce him even more. I try to latch onto your mind as I make my case and state what I feel is my evidence, but your mind evades me like a butterfly that you're known to be like. I can only take so much of anyone fooling around with me before I get really ticked off and you manage to do it about three minutes into your mental thrust and parry. So, to get better contact with your mind and find out the truth once and for all I reach out with all of the anger in me and cutting through your aura, but not painfully because I know the injuries that can cause, I use that energy as a launching pad to shoot myself into your mind. What I find shocks me.

You're ticked at ME??? For thinking that you would NEED to use telepathic manipulation to get Scott to notice you. My egotism floors you and really makes you angry at the same time. I realize what you're going to do before you do it, but there isn't enough time to even think a defense. I just throw up mental barriers as your hand comes up, hoping for a mild head ache.

The mental blockades don't help. You cut through them like a knife going through butter as I feel every neural synapsis in my body just give up as energy strikes along synapsis on top of synapsis and overloads my body basically. The mental blocks don't even falter...they just rip apart in a painful mass of mental glass shards as you rip into my mind like a bird of pray coming down and scooping up a succulent rabit.

I feel myself hit the floor, but it's far away. It's the impressions that I get from you in a caledescope of chaos that has me floored.

Two months earlier, Scott looking so solemn and sad...almost like me at times...too damn good at building walls "Scott would you like to go out for some coffee? You look like you could use some." He said yes. Good. Maybe we can be friends since I'm still realitively new getting to know this man. How it all began

Another moment in time. Scott looking at me so calm and yet his face and body just SHOW pain in every line. I ask what is wrong and he says merely that it was Nathan's birthday today. I'm floored when he says that Jean didn't remember it. Hank was going to go out with him later to help him over the hurdle because Jean had a conference to go to with Xavier on Mutant Genetics or something. I feel his pain like a knife in my gut just from being around him, but I watch as Hank comes in Groucho Marx Glasses on and singing a chipper tune talking about some antic and Scott starts to laugh. After all of this pain he can still laugh. Bobby comes in with a smile and I see him and Hank as they purposefully try to cheer Scott up by singing. It's not working as Scott looking amused tries to cover his ears, but it doesn't radiate from him. He's still distracted. So, I reach down deep for my opera training and do my teachers proud as I raise my voice to the heavens and start to sing. Everyone is amazed and by the third time I've gone through "Carmen" I think I have actual fans, especially Scott. He appreciates what I did I can feel it radiating from him. Also there is appreciation for my singing which I smile at. It's good to know I'm wanted.

Looking at me across the blackbird controls and mutters something about nightmares and how they're evil. He looks tired. I really think he needs someone to talk to. But, instead he asks me about my recent visit with Brian and if everything went alright. He's one of a kind is that man. I just smile and announce if he ever wants to have dreams he could always dream about me. He turns bright red and turns away...could he be interested in me too? No...he's too in love with Jean.

Jean should really stop getting angry at him for thinking about me. It's not like he's not human. So, he's lusting after another woman...so what everyone does that. It's called being male. To quote Jubilation "duh" Jean.

After seeing this for way too long Scott, and seeing how she treats you...Xavier coming first, Warren's suffering coming first, her self pity coming first, Hank's feelings about turning thirty coming before you wanting to talk about Cable...that's it. This has got to stop. I'm going to do what a woman should have done years ago my dear man. I'm going to win you. The way she's going it won't take much. Really.

I finally realize what was really going on that entire time Scott. The attempts you made to actually reach out to me that I didn't even see because I was helping someone else. And so you pushed me further away because you didn't think I would want another burden added onto the last one and the in the times where we did talk I just freaked at you for lusting after another attractive woman, which wasn't even fair because not only are you human but me being a telepath gives me an unfair advantage over another woman. I know what you're thinking when you're thinking it all the time unless you purposefully block me out. I could have reached out for you too. You're not the only one to blame, I'm not fully to blame either, but a good portion of that blame belongs to me. I should have just fought for you in other ways instead of judging you by loving you. You would have come back to me if I had done that. Now, especially after accusing Betsy of all of this and the ramifications of what it could mean that she used her powers on me like this...the outcome might not be what I'd hope and pray for. Dear God Scott...come back to me, I cry mentally, because we have to make this right.

******************

I wait anxiously, pushing my shirt down nervously with my hands subconsciously as I wait for you to climb off the plane and down the gate. I know that you'll be cramped as all get out. You always are when flying due to your height and that you're going to need to take a hot shower to get rid of the cramping in your shoulders. I even got the roomy car to pick you up. It's been a while, a lot longer than it seems. A lot has happened since you've been gone Scott. I hope this reunion and that you requested that I pick you up at the airport is good news. I've had a chance to think a lot lately and reflect on what I learned from Betsy and came to peace with everything. I have just realized a few basic truths. I love you Scott Summers more than anything. You're everything I ever wanted in a mate and I'll be damned if I let you go if you don't want me to. I hope that you feel the same way.

I don't realize I'm projecting until I look up and see you standing in front of me. I curse mentally for being caught staring off into space and speak your name with all of the need in my heart. You don't talk. You don't need to. True Scott-like move you end up doing as you simply pull me into your arms and do what we both needed to do to be assured that everything was going to be okay. You press your lips to mine and join your soul completely with mine in that moment again. It's like having a drink of water after a long abscence from any type of liquid. You flow through my mind in so many colors that I feel interlacing with mine that I don't know where your thoughts begin for a moment and mine end. It's beautiful as are your thoughts. And when you say it I know what you need when we separate. You need to talk. I can do that...and I can listen Scott. I haven't done that a lot lately and you haven't done the reaching out in ways that I grasped, but we'll start now and make it count. I promise.

"Little Run Away" comes over the radio as we pull out of the parking lot and for some odd reason I find it fitting and have to smile. I then concentrate on driving and listening to what you have to say as I head toward home. "Home"...what a wonderful word. My little run away has come home...to me.

******************

BETSY

I look at you across the airport Jean and realize that I have lost when I see the two of you together. And I brush my mind lightly over Scott's in goodbye. I've never been one to not realize defeat when it's smacked me in the face. And yet...turning around I have to smile. I might just have projected my astreal form here for an instant to see the results of my gamble, but maybe I was just upping the ante on a bigger gamble in the long run. Warren really is cute and you know...he's got a lot of Scott's neat qualities without that pesky belief of "all life is precious". Maybe we both won Red...maybe we both won. Good luck to you both.

back to Shadowcat's stories | Cyke and Logan archive | comicfic.net