Gehenna: Part Three

by Luba Kmetyk

Part 3

Kitty had stopped her litany for a long moment, sounding more than a bit stunned herself as all the past days' stress and tension -- and fear -- came tumbling out once she had a sympathetic ear. He heard her take a few deep breaths, trying to regain control, and then she went on, somewhat more calmly albeit still noticeably shaky, "I don't understand what's wrong with him, why he's drinking so much, why he's insisting on living like a pig -- I mean, more than his usual, a *lot* more than his usual -- why he keeps pushing me away!" Her voice rose to a plaintive wail at the end again.

Logan couldn't really blame Kitty for not understanding what was so obvious to him, even second-hand. "Because he hates what he had ta do, and he's punishing himself, darlin'. Because he feels he's shit so he figures he don't deserve no better than ta live like shit."

"For what?! He didn't do anything wrong! Well, ok, yeah, he did... *we* did, but not really..." Her initial outrage was rapidly modulating into awkward but determined defensiveness, for herself and for her lover. "I mean, we just did what had to be done, or a lot more people might have died..."

"'The end justifies the means', Kitty? Or the time-honored, old-fashioned 'just following orders' excuse?" Logan hated pushing her like this, but she needed to face up to what they'd done, what *she'd* done, and the sooner the better.

"I expected that kind of crap from Kurt, Logan, but I thought if anyone would understand it'd be you!" The outrage had definitely won out over the defensiveness, but underlain with a faint little note of desperate appeal for his understanding... and approval.

"'Course I understand, darlin', a whole better 'n you do... But doing what needed doing don't make what the both o' ya done right, or anything ta be proud of. And Pete knows that. He knows he killed people there, people who didn't deserve ta die... knows it a whole lot better 'n you do, pun'kin, knows in his gut what you only know in your head so far."

"You mean, he's drinking because he feels guilty about agreeing to this mission? I know he feels horrible about some of the things he did, back before we met, while he was in Black Air, we've talked about it..." probably late at night, Logan nodded silently, after particularly bad nightmares, "...but I've never seen him this far out of it. I thought he was dealing with his past, putting it behind him and making up for things now..."

"Look, Kit -- somebody signs up for this sorta work, killing bad guys is just part of the job description, no biggie. But sometimes you gotta go through low-level grunts ta get ta the major bad guys, sometimes the bosses send you after somebody it turns out ain't a bad guy... or completely innocent people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time and you can't let them go because then the bad guy gets away or worse --like your case you're telling me about. And ya finish the job -- you gotta -- but you can't accept it, not completely, not if you're any damn good as a human being. So some bad mojo sticks around in your mind and gut... then it happens again, you get some more crap added to your load, it just grows and grows over the years, and ya keep trying to deal with it, but it gets harder and harder..." He was trying to put into words something he'd never really tried to explain before -- not to Kitty, not to anyone -- and he found himself almost sweating with the effort.

"So you're saying Pete's drinking himself into a stupor because this mission reminded him of everything bad he's done in the past, everything that he thought he'd put behind him, and now it's all piled up on him again and he can't handle it any more? But he was the one who agreed, who decided this job needed doing and that he'd do it..."

"I'm saying he's dealing with what he had ta do on *this* mission, and I'm trying ta explain ta ya why it'd hit him worse 'n it hit you, even if this was one of the more defensible cases. It was hard on you 'cause it was your first time in that particular nasty situation, Kit, choosing from two bad options that ain't got no good, right answer, but it was hard on him because it *wasn't* his first time in that position. Pete's dealin' with things the only way he knows how. He knows from lots of practice if he gets blind drunk enough he'll manage ta forget what he had ta do, at least for a while. And he knows if he stays blind drunk long enough that his subconscious'll work through things some, in nightmares and stuff, and then he'll be able to get up and go on again, for a while at least. It's not the best way, maybe, but it's *his* way. And feeling piss-puking sick from his bender, well, that's just another part o' the price."

* * * * * * * * * * *

Putting his booted feet on the edge of Harry's cluttered desk, Logan leaned far back in the creaky old office chair, taking another long swig off the tequila and waiting patiently through the long moment of silence while Kitty tried to digest what he'd just said. Then, "So, what do I do? What *can* I do, to help him, and get through to him?"

He straightened back up, and replied in a brisk, business-like tone, "Depends. Ya still wanna stay with him?"

"Logan!" Despite the seriousness of their conversation, a fleeting grin lightened his craggy visage at the obvious anger back in her tone. "Of course I do!" Nope, his gal wasn't a quitter. But the grin vanished almost immediately, to be replaced with his previous worried scowl.

"Even after all this? After knowing... after *seeing* what he's capable of? 'Cause he ain't gonna stop, darlin'. If he gets convinced a mission needs doing, he's gonna go. And then this'll likely happen again." He was pushing again, but he felt he had to.

"Pete just did what he had to do, what he was asked to do, to stop something worse happening. He didn't do anything that I didn't do, that I didn't help him do, and that I wouldn't do again."

"Then, if ya really wanna stay with him, and help him, and you got the guts for it, all ya do is -- you stay with him. Ya do just what you told me you been doing... You stay with him, you bring him booze or fags -- or food, if he ever asks -- you hold his head while he throws up, you clean him up... and you make sure he knows you're ok with what he did. Not that what he did is ok, but what you just told me -- that you know he just did what he had to do. 'Cause you're his conscience now, pun'kin, whether ya want the job or not. The kid damn near worships the ground ya walk on, anybody can see that." And her love for him, and the self-respect she'd restored to him, were probably the only things keeping the Englishman from a gradual, inevitable slide into full-blown alcoholism -- but Logan didn't want to lay that additional burden onto her, and make her feel even more responsible for the younger man's well-being. "And he knows he's made some piss-poor decisions in the past, so he's a lot more likely ta trust your judgement than his own."

"That's all? Just stay with him and tell him it's ok?"

"That's the first part. You stay with him 'til he works through this all in his own weird, sick way, 'til he's ready to come out and face the world again. Then, whether you stay in town or head back to Muir, you make him help *you* work through what the two of you did." Because Wisdom would cope, in his own way -- he'd had a lot of practice already, after all. It was Kitty that Logan was more worried about, in the long run.

"I told you I was ok about it by now. Ok, maybe I wasn't when it all went down, but I'm fine now, really. I'm just worried about Pete."

"Bullshit. You don't get over something like that that quickly, 'specially not the first time. All you done so far is bury it away. Yeah, it ain't that much, once, but you just look at what it's done ta Pete over ten years or so. And he's actually dealing with things, in his own crazy way. You don't work through this now, you bury it away, and sooner or later you're gonna end up with your head as screwed up as Petey's. *He* ain't ever worked through killing Proteus, he ain't ever dealt with losing his sister and his parents and his brother, he ain't ever faced upta betraying Mags and the Acolytes up on Avalon, and look at how well he's doing these days. Remember what he did ta Pete? And I know you're all just waiting for all that anger and hurt bottled up inside ta blow again some day."

"Why is it *every* damn thing always turns into a thing about Peter and his problems?!" Kitty demanded irrascibly. "I didn't call to talk about Peter, I want to know what to do to help *Pete*!"

"Sorry, darlin', I didn't mean it that way, just calm down now..." Logan soothed, kicking himself mentally for reopening an old sore point. "I already toldja, first you stay with Pete until he works through this for himself... that's if ya got the guts ta take all the crap he's gonna put hisself -- and you -- through. Then you make him help you work your own way through what the both o' you did. And you try 'n' find a better way. Listen, if you won't do that for yourself, or for me -- 'cause I worry about ya, pun'kin, and I ain't gonna apologize for that, neither -- then you think on this. Helping you figure out a good way ta handle what went down just might teach Pete a thing or two about coping better."

"Logan?" Tentative now, uncharacteristically hesitant. "You've done the same kind of stuff Pete's into. What do you do? How do you cope?"

Logan sighed. He should have expected that question. He'd tried hard to keep the other X-Men -- *especially* the innocent, eager young thirteen-year-old girl who'd so quickly become a full partner in the team -- away from that part of his life -- even though he'd immediately seen that Kitty was a natural for it. And he'd succeeded, to a large extent. But now she'd not only dabbled her toes in the murky water, she'd jumped in bodily with both feet and a mighty splash, in her usual headstrong way. And he and Pete both had to look out for her now, and teach her how to survive in their twilight world.

"My way wouldn't work for ya, pun'kin, or for that loony limey o' yours." Just as Wisdom's approach wouldn't work for him, Logan thought, almost regretfully. No matter how much he drank, his healing factor interpreted anything beyond a slight buzz as sickness and counteracted the effects of any more alcohol with rapid and ruthless efficiency. "I can't picture the Brit running with the wolves, howling at the moon."

He grinned at Kitty's sputtered laughter at that mental image, pleased that her sense of humor seemed to be recovering. As was her curiosity -- and her stubborn determination had never vanished. "What about others? Like Cable, or Domino?"

Logan snorted at that. "Nate? He handles things worse 'n the kid does. Doesn't get drunk -- oh, no, no loss of control for ol' Cable. He goes off and does his meditating upside-down trick, claims that lets him get things squared away in his mind. All it really does is shove everything down deep, outta sight, outta mind -- until something sets him off and he blows like a volcano. Seen it happen a few times..."

There was silence for a long moment, until Kitty asked again, "And Domino?" with just the tiniest hint of jealousy in her voice over the former mercenary's longtime friendship with both Wisdom and Logan.

"Neena?" Logan hesitated for a moment, torn. "Look, if I tell ya, pun'kin, ya gotta promise me you won't tell no one else, not even your Brit, ok? If she wanted him ta know, she woulda told him herself."

Kitty was intrigued now, but thought about it for a long moment, not wanting to start lying to her boyfriend. "How about this? I won't bring it up myself but -- if he ever straight-out asks -- I'll tell him that I know, but I promised not to tell?"

"That'll do." He could understand her dilemma -- once you started keeping secrets, for whatever good reason, it set a bad precedent, and tended to snowball. He also appreciated her honesty, as always, and had to applaud her caution. "She does stuff for kids. She's got some pet charities she gives a large hunk of her merc pay to, but mostly she goes out and hunts bastards involved with kiddy porn -- producers, dealers, pimps, and such, 'specially the ones holed away in places the law can't touch 'em. She tries ta help the kids get back inta normal life, too, but mostly she just goes after the makers and users."

"Good for her." Hearing the quiet congratulation in Kitty's voice, Logan knew she'd understood that Cable's enigmatic partner was working out more than just simple post-mission blues.

"But I don't wantcha just copying nobody else's way -- good or bad. You need ta work out what's best for you, soon 's ya can." Otherwise, there was too much chance she'd eventually end up sucked into Wisdom's self-destructive habits, trying to make sure her lover wasn't alone. "And you don't tell Pete you wanna help fix him or his ways, you tell him you want -- you need -- his help for *you*. That'll make him more open to new possibilities, if it's for your sake rather than his own." And he'd have a little talk with that stubborn, stupid jackass himself one day soon, Logan vowed silently.

"Yeah. Ok, Logan, I gotta admit you're right. About Pete, about Peter... and about me. I called you to ask for advice, after all, so the least I can do is take the advice I'm given."

"And if you need any help talking the elf around when you're both ready ta head back home, call me up and I'll come over and explain the facts o' life ta him, ok?" In fact, he might just 'happen' to fly over to Scotland for a visit in the next day or two. Kurt would back down, of course, but it'd take some serious stroking to be sure no bad blood lingered to spoil the kids' homecoming.

"Ok, I'll remember that. And, Logan?"

"What, pun'kin?"

"Thanks."

[next part]

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