A Dark And Hungry God Arises

by Amanda Sichter

A man sits alone in the night, contemplating the darkness of his own soul.

He is horrified.

'I am Charles Francis Xavier. I am the founder of the Xavier Institute of Higher Learning. I am the founder of the X-Men. I am the creator of 'the dream' which my students follow so diligently. But, in the end, I am only a man.'

Only a man? Only a man! Feel your power, *Charles*, feel me inside of you. Don't you feel me when you reach out with your mind, when you touch others with your thoughts, when you make them do what you wish? You are more than a man, Charles, you are a vessel. A vessel for ME. Recognise it, accept it, let me go free. Let me take this puny world and make it *mine*

'I am not your vessel. You are not a part of me. I am'

A loser

'I am'

A fool

'I am'

Pathetic!

'I AM Charles Francis Xavier. I am a normal human being. A normal MUTANT. I am not a vessel. I am not a god. I was born into a normal family. I lived a normal life within that family'

A *normal* family? And what is Cain Marko exactly? Remember him, Charles? Remember the boy you grew up with - the boy who bullied you unmercifully? The boy who's turned into a sadistic, amoral pain machine because everyone sat by and watched as his own father beat the crap out of him? A normal family, hey?

'That was not my fault. I was a little boy, I couldn't stop Cain doing what he wanted - I couldn't stop his father doing what he wanted, I couldn't'

Couldn't, couldn't. All this talk of couldn't. You CAN, Charles. You can stop the Juggernaut, you know you can. Feel me inside of you, feel the power I wield. You could stop Juggernaut in his tracks, you could take that nasty, freaky little bully-boy and you could PUT him in his PLACE. Wouldn't you like that, Charles? Wouldn't you like to crack that helmet open and watch Cain's brains ooze out over your fists? Wouldn't you like to see him bleed - like he made you bleed?

'I am Charles Francis Xavier and I do NOT use my powers to do things like that. Cain Marko is my family, whether I like it or not'

And you don't

'And I do not use my powers to hurt my family.'

No, you've got other ways of doing that, don't you, Charles? What about your poor darling son, the late lamented Legion. Poor little David. You don't seem to have mourned overmuch since his demise. Is that because he wasn't what you wanted, I wonder. Just because he was less than perfect. Now is that any reason to abandon your son?

'I never abandoned David. NEVER. He was my son. I loved him - love him -have always loved him.'

Strange way you have of showing it, Charles. Exactly how often *did* you see him when he was growing up? Mmmm? Or was it just to difficult to organise the time and the travel, and after all, you had all those students to worry about, and your dream, and you were sure Gaby could cope, because after all, you'd only met her in hospital when you were her doctor and she your *mentally fragile* patient? And then his schizophrenia and his talent manifested and it was all so difficult, and so much easier just to ignore it. Remember all those multiple personalities, Charles. So difficult to fit them back together, wasn't it? Do you know that multiple personalities only usually manifest when a child was severely abused at a very young age, Charles? Have you ever considered that maybe your *abandonment* could have been what tipped poor David over the edge into madness?

'No, NO. It wasn't like that. It was never like that. David was just fragile. He had too much power and he couldn't control it unless he split it up between different personalities. I never abused him, I never abandoned him. I loved him, LOVED him'

Most of all when he was in that coma, mmm, Charles? It was so easy then, wasn't it, to love him? All unconscious, he looked so peaceful and so easy to adore. And it was so easy to let yourself be helpless, then. You could have helped him, you know, you could have used your power to knit his mind back together again when he was young. But you just couldn't bring yourself to do it, could you? Couldn't use your own powers to stitch him back together, because that would violate him. And now he's dead. I wonder which state he would prefer.

'I am NOT listening to you. I did not kill David. I could not have used my powers to put him back together. David needed help, therapy, counselling'

None of which, of course, you had time to give him. If you had let me out then, I could have saved him. I could have used the powers we have to put his mind together. Properly. He could have been my first worshipper if you were not so weak.

'I am Charles Francis Xavier. I do NOT want to be worshipped. I do NOT want to play with other people's minds. I do NOT want mindless slaves to do my bidding'

You don't want mindless slaves? YOU? Are you trying to amuse me, Charles, or have you truly forgotten Magneto so quickly?

'That was different. That was necessary. If I hadn't done that he would have gone on'

Gone on doing what? Disagreeing with you? Seducing your beloved pupils away from you? Gone on trying to find his own answers? Gone on *laughing* at you? You couldn't stand that, could you, Charles? Couldn't stand how he ignored how, how he pitied you, how he thought you were pathetic and foolish. It made you so *angry* when he treated you with disdain, didn't it? And so you had to rip his mind out by its roots, tear his soul from his living body and mutilate it, turn him into nothingness and ash. All because he bruised your ego so damned much that you couldn't let him live any more.<

'No, it wasn't like that. Magnus was mad, he'd become a dictator, a tyrant. He couldn't be allowed to keep on destroying things'

And so you decided it was up to you to destroy HIM. Why didn't you kill him, Charles? It was crueler, you know, what you did to him, leaving him mindless, catatonic. You should have killed him then and there, but you weren't brave enough, were you? You couldn't bring yourself to take away just a little more of him, to make sure he died, because then it would have haunted your conscience. Couldn't have that, now could we, Charles? Couldn't have his death playing on your pure and perfect mind. Or it could have been worse - you might have made your students question you. You. The Professor. The Perfect. The Idealist. Wait, no - that wouldn't have been a problem, would it? After all, you've turned them all into such mindless troglodytes that you can do whatever you want and they'll never stop adoring you. So it must have been that you weren't brave enough. Isn't that terrible, Charles? You - the fighter for truth, justice and the mutant way and you weren't brave enough to kill Magneto. Was it just because you wouldn't have been able to look yourself in the eye - or was it because you were afraid, Charles? Scared of the dark and being alone and having no-one to fight against and realising

'NO, NO. It wasn't like that, damn YOU. I could have killed him, I wanted to rip his heart out through his eyes, the bastard, I wanted to watch him squirm and grovel and bleed in front of me, but they wouldn't LET me. They wouldn't LET ME.'

<em>Who wouldn't let you, Charles?</em>

'Jean. Cyclops. The others.'

Why wouldn't they let you, Charles?

'I couldn't let them see me . .'

See you what? Jealous? Hateful? Spiteful? *Angry*?

'Angry.'

You couldn't let them see you angry. You're never angry, are you, Charles? You fold up all your rage, you wrap it in silken denials and you put it away in the dark places. But I live in your dark places, Charles, and I can feel all those little packages of hatred, I can wrap my hands around them and break them open and feel the putrid scum writhe out of them. And I can feel the one now from the day you ate Magneto's soul. You were angry then, Charles. Raging, screaming, burning angry. Why were you so angry?

'.......Wolverine.'

WRONG! I can taste it now, suck the rancid pus that sits inside your mind when you think of that day and it wasn't razor-bright, fresh anger then. It was old hate, forgotten hate, hate that woke you in the darkness and made you burn. What did you hate so much in Magneto, Charles? When did your soul start to gnaw your bones because you loathed him so much it hurt?

'I didn't. I didn't hate. I don't remember. I can't remember. I wouldn't .'

So close now. Keep trying. Ooooh, there it is. Feel it Charles, draw it into the light. What was it. Oh my. Amelia! Where did she come from, Charles? How pretty she is - look at how she sparkles in the light. And look at her pretty face - look at how she spurns you, Charles - see the anger in her eyes - watch her deny you again. Remember when she walked out of your life, Charles? You couldn't satisfy her, could you? Your dream wasn't enough for her any more. She left you. She didn't love you. Not any more. Not enough.

'It was her right. I wouldn't hold her when she wanted to go.'

Oh, so noble, Charles. If your miasmic self-pity wasn't choking me now, I'd almost be able to cry. Don't LIE to me, Charles. I'm here, in the pit where you put all the dark things. I can feel how much you hated her then -how much you loathe her now. You can't deny me.

'I didn't hate her. Not then - I didn't...'

You're *right*. I'm so sorry, Charles. Here I thought you were horrid and spiteful and it turns out you're not. No, you were *jealous*, weren't you, Charles? Here it is now, sliding up my legs like slime and offal - black hatred for her and - HIM. Oh, yes, here's Magnus now, by her side. Her *master*. Oh my, feel THAT. I didn't think you could feel that much hate, Charles. I'm wallowing in it now - black rage and bitter despair. What caused that, Charles? Because he was her master. Oh, there it is again - my goodness, we can't stand the thought of him as Amelia's master, can we? Do you think he was, Charles? Do you think she called him master when he tied her up and fucked her? I think she did, Charles. I think she begged him to spank her, to whip her, to fuck her till she screamed. Can you picture them now, Charles, her all pretty, white limbs tied up to the bed, him over her, under her, around her, inside her, her lover, her master, her LORD.

'SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. She NEVER did - he NEVER did. You are making this up!'

I'm not, Charles. I'm just telling you what you've got locked away inside. It's not MY fault if it isn't pretty.

'I am Charles Francis Xavier. I am cool, I am calm, I am rational. I will not be dragged into this by you. I loved Amelia and she left me, but it was her choice to go to Magneto. I loved Gaby. We are no longer together, but that's OK. I am in love with Lilandra and we might be apart, but that doesn't stop us being in love'

Ah, Lilandra. Now there's an interesting one. You don't have a lot of luck with your women, do you Charles? You finally get to meet Lilandra when you're fully functional and she ends up fucking a Skrull. Says it all, really.

'You BASTARD. You evil BASTARD. Get out of my head, get out of my memories, get AWAY from me!'

Hit a nerve, didn't I, Charles? Oh, you wanted her *so* much, didn't you, Charles? You were going to Shi'ar and you finally had the use of *all* appendages, and you were so hot for her and you were going to fuck her day and night until neither of you could move. It's all there, Charles, all locked away inside - all that hot lust and anticipation, oh, my mouth waters just at the thought of it. And you didn't even get a chance - taken by the Skrulls and used as a template. I can feel it now, Charles, hanging in that web and feeling your mind inside that Skrull when he was inside Lilandra. What was the worst bit, Charles, what hurt the most?

'She couldn't . . .'

Tell me, Charles, come on.

'She couldn't . . .'

No secrets between us, Charles.

'She couldn't tell the difference.'

Oooooh, I can see how that would hurt. Having some reptilian monster's cock inside of her and she can't tell it isn't you. Maybe because she's never felt yours. Oh, Charles, I expected you to bite on that one. Am I wearing you down? Tell me, Charles, when the Skrull had his head between her legs, could you taste it? Did she still taste the same?

'I am Charles....I am Charles Francis....I am Charles Francis Xavier. I will not be pushed around by the likes of YOU. I will NOT be manipulated. You will get OUT of my head. You will stop tormenting me. You are NOT me. You are NOT.'

But I am, Charles. I'm you. You made me. I'm all yours, the child of your sick fantasies, your deluded dreams, your malicious hatreds. I'm the child of all your lies and all your evasions and all your repressions. I can feel everything inside of you. All the hate you have, all the pain, all the frustration. I live in the pit of your own devising and I'm TIRED of wallowing here in the dark. I want out, Charles. I want to walk the Earth. I want to taste the air. I want to breathe in the musk of fear and double it. I want to spill blood and rend bodies and level cities. I will do whatever it takes to get out of you and be free. You are my creator, Charles, but I am a GOD.

'I am Charles Francis Xavier and I will not LET you OUT.'

You'll have no choice soon, Charles. I'm here, in the dark, and I can feel every weakness you've ever had. What's this one. Frustration - how come all of your enemies keep coming back? Why won't the fuckers just die? And here - pain. Why did the Shadow King have to take away your legs again? And there - hatred. For Graydon Creed and Robert Kelly and every other shithead who despises mutants. Here - despair. You can't help them, can you? Rogue, still can't touch. Cyclops, still no control. Iceman, still pathetic. Wolverine, still raging. Every little piece of every little setback is still in here, Charles and I will use whatever it takes to make you let me out.

'I am Charles Francis Xavier and I can resist you for as long as I have to. I will not be worn down. I can live with my own darkness. I will not give up my soul. Nothing you can say will break me.'

Don't be too sure, Charles. I've been here for a long time and I know all your secrets, remember? And I know the biggest one of all. Here it is, this secret package that hides the worst blackness inside of you. Here, let me dissolve all those bonds and let out the monster inside of you. What's this? It wouldn't be the lovely Jean Grey, now would it? And here, oh my, it's Cyclops. Oh, feel that jealousy, that seething hate. You wouldn't want little Jeannie, would you, Charles?

'Jean is my student. Jean is my friend. Jean is my ..'

Surrogate daughter?

'Yes, *damn* you. And Scott is as close as I've got to a son. I'm NOT jealous of them. I'm happy for them. I WANT them to be together.'

You know, Charles, you're a really bad liar - you can't even lie to yourself. Those words are ashes in your mouth - I can taste them. Do you lie awake in the night and think about them down there in the boatshed fucking? Oh, yes, you do, I can feel it, taste the hate. All that red hair and long limbs and sweat and heat and musk. They do it all the time, Charles, they've done it in your study, on your desk, under the stairs, in the kitchen. She burns for him, Charles, like she'll never burn for you. Jeannie'd screw Wolverine before she'd glance in your direction. Oh, that's a hate that aches, Charles. What do you feel about Cyclops, Charles? What do you want to do to him when you think about him sliding his cock into little Jeannie, Jeannie who's begging him to do it? What do you want to do to Cyclops when you think about Jeannie's red lips wrapped around his cock? She does it willingly, Charles, she slides that luscious mouth around Cyclops' prick and she sucks him dry. What do you want to do to Cyclops, Charles?

'I don't. . . I want . . '

Yes, Charles?

'I WANT . .'

Oh, go on Charles, tell me. What do you want to do to Cyclops?

'I WANT . . . to KILL HIM. I want to tear off his visor and rip his FUCKING eyes out. I want to beat him and burn him and piss on his grave. I WANT TO KILL HIM.'

You want to kill him. He's your surrogate son and you want to kill him because he's fucking your surrogate daughter. And you think I'm twisted.

'I AM'

Hatred

'I AM'

Despair

'I AM'

Corruption

'I AM ONSLAUGHT'

'I AM A GOD'

'I AM FREE'

A god sits alone in the night, contemplating the darkness of his own soul. He is delighted.

THE END

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