Tangled Up

by Alex SisterWolf

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
               --- Sarah McLachlan

~*~

She's gone. She's really, for sure, no-shitting-around, gone.

I can't believe it. I thought that somehow, someway, she'd change her mind, tell her parents to go to hell, no way, she won't go just cause they told her to. I thought she'd change her mind. Right up till the moment the limousine pulled away.

I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe she didn't stay with us, stay with me, me, how could she leave me? Fuck I know, I know her family's important to her, but I thought I was too. I thought she loved me. She does love me, she does, she does. just not enough to stay. With me.

And so here I am, alone again. Fuck. I can't. I can't deal with being left alone. Again. Alone, me, alone, always. Everyone I love either dies or leaves me. Sometimes both. Oh fuck, I can't take this, I can't I can't I can't.

And I can't stop the sob from breaking free from my chest. No, oh hell, no, I didn't want them to know I was upset, oh shit, now Jono's coming over to me with this awful _compassionate_ crinkle around his eyes. **You alright, Jubie?**

Oh hell, I didn't want to be weak, weak, me, always weak, always left behind, and I can't stop myself from launching myself into Jono's chest and sobbing into his bandages. His arms come around me and he's murmuring to me in his mind that **Ssssh, Jubes, s'okay, sweetheart, s'okay.** and I'm soaking his bandages and I can't seem to stop. Crying.

Because I'm always left behind, always alone, always, and I love her. Monet. Love her. And I should have known that I'd be left behind. Of course she'd leave me. She's beautiful and poised and sophisticated and everything that I'm not. I should have known, from the first time we. Kissed. And the way her mouth tasted, all cinnamon and spices and exotic, like the Arabian Nights, like something I could get addicted to tasting. To kissing.

I hated her at first, you know. Hated. Thought she was all stuck-up and snobby and such a _complete_ bitch. And she's not, you know? She's really just shy and she doesn't get people, Americans especially. Okay, yeah, she's kind of a snob too, but it's the way she was brought up. Rich and powerful and shit.

I never thought we'd end up together. Never. Not even when we became friends. Course I thought I was straight, too. Wow, guess I was a little off on that one, huh? Crap, oh hell, I can't believe she's gone, can't believe she left.

No, gotta think about something else, anything else. What would Wolvie say? Shit, it's like Paige's Christian thing, ya know, What Would Jesus Do? Only it's What Would Wolvie Do? Heh. Normally, drink beer and pound the shit out of people. I miss Wolvie. I miss him. He'd tell me it'll be all okay, and I'd believe him, cause Wolvie's always right, you know? He'd hug me, and smell like Wolvie, all kind of furry and male and cigar-smoke and beer, and everything would be all right. Everything. Everything.

But Wolvie's not here, and Jono's hugging me, which is almost as good except he smells different, like cigarette smoke and ozone, and he's _not Wolvie_, but it's almost as good, and I'm sobbing like an idiot in front of the whole team. Well, so much for them not knowing that Monet and I were fucking, huh? And I can almost laugh, almost, but no, no, cause we weren't just fucking, we were in love, at least I thought we were in love. Shit, I got down on one knee in front of her and practically proposed to her. Practically asked her to marry me. Practically asked her to never ever leave me. Not leave me. Which is what she's just done.

The first time we kissed. The first time. The first time kissing a girl ever, and kissing Monet, and she tasted all cinnamon, and I couldn't believe I'd just kissed Monet, and I couldn't believe she'd just kissed me back. Kissed me back, and her lips were so soft, and her hand touched my cheek, and then we pulled apart and we stared at each other and I think we were just so surprised. And I wanted to kiss her again, and I didn't know, maybe she'd just haul off and slap me but I had to know, had to know if she'd let me kiss her again. So I kissed her. And she kissed me back, not just that, she slipped her hands into my hair and we were _really_ kissing, tongues and everything. And we must have kissed for, I don't know, like half an hour or something. Just getting to know each other's mouths, shifting so I was leaning across her chest and just odd that, feeling her breasts against mine. Feeling her breath in my mouth. Feeling how soft, how silky her hair is, compared t!
o mine. And finally we stopped and just stared at each other again, and I told her she was beautiful. And she smiled at that, really smiled, not just the perfect closed-mouth smile she has for everyone else, but a real smile that made her eyes crinkle and showed that she really does have a dimple. And she told me I was beautiful too. Me! Skinny little Jubilee with the weird-ass blue eyes and the spiky hair, who no one ever ever said was beautiful before. I think, I honestly really think, that I fell in love with her right that moment. Right there, on the floor of Monet's dorm room, on top of the scattered notes we were supposed to be studying for a World History mid-term.

And she's left me. Left me.

The first time I told her I loved her. Tangled up on her bed, not enough room really for two people unless you snuggled, and that was fine with me, I love being held. I don't have nightmares when I'm being held. We were just lying there, snuggling, her hand stroking my hair, humming to herself gently, no real melody, just the soft sound of her voice, and I told her I loved her. She didn't say anything and I started to feel afraid, worried that she didn't love me back, that I shouldn't have said anything, that she wouldn't want to be with me anymore, and I pushed myself up on my elbows and stared down into her face. She was frowning, and now I knew I'd fucked up, she didn't love me, this was just about sex for her, and now I'd told her I loved her and she'd tell me to get out, to go away, to stay away from her. And I was just at the point of panicking and telling her not to worry about it, just forget it. And she looked into my eyes and I could see that she was almost cr!
ying. And she told me she loved me too.

"Why would that make you cry?" I asked her.

"Because I am afraid that I will hurt you, Jubilation. You are so very precious to me." And now she did start to cry and I cried too, holding her, not sure why I was crying but not able to stop.

Can't stop crying. Can't stop hurting, oh it hurts so much, so much that she's gone. Gone. The smooth sweep of her hair, the little frown she gets when she feels that she's not performing at her best, the way her eyes are so sleepy and unguarded in the morning, lying together in her bed, first kiss of the morning before we have to go get ready for the day of pretending we're not together. Can't believe the others never figured it out. Course maybe Jono did, cause he's not acting all surprised that I'm sobbing my heart out because Monet left. Left, oh left, oh she's gone oh gone gonegonegone.

And I hear the crunch of gravel in the drive, the sound of a car coming up to the school, and I know I know I know it can't be her, can't possibly, can't be that she came back, but I can't stop the little bit of hope in my heart and I pull away from Jono's chest and I look and it is her. Monet. She came back she came back she came back to me. And I'm running across the drive and she opens the car door and she's here she's back she's not leaving me.

And we kiss. We kiss against the side of the limousine and I don't care if the whole world sees it because Monet's come back to me.

"I love you," I tell her.

"I couldn't leave you," she tells me.

And we kiss.

***end***

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